Lupica = Mr. Met

Even when A-Rod was having the kind of all-time April he was having, you want to know something?

Reyes was still the best baseball show going.

Wha? Look, Reyes is a good ballplayer despite those annoying soccer chants Mets fans scream every time he steps up to the plate. But A-Rod was having a MONSTER month. It seemed like every at-bat there was a chance he'd launch one out of the park. He was hitting multiple homers in some games and had a walk-off grand slam, something not done very often. How is that less exciting than some dude stealing bases?

You know who I think really pulled the trigger on the Randy Moss trade to the Patriots?

The Patriots' quarterback.

Brady's the GM now too?

Because I have a feeling that Tom Brady looked at the guys Peyton Manning was throwing to last January and then looked at the guys he, Brady, was throwing to, and decided that if he couldn't have Marvin Harrison, Moss would do.

Even if he had a worse attitude than all the Cincinnati Bengals combined.

Yeah, sounds like a winning recipe to me. They already picked up a few good receivers in the offseason. The Moss deal almost smelled of overkill. We'll see, I suppose.

You know what kind of young starter the Yankees are looking for these days?

John Maine.

I'm pretty sure they're pleased with how Phil Hughes is developing and how Chein Ming Wang turned out. Besides, why single out one team? Why not just say every team is looking for a young starter like Maine? Is Colorodo looking for shitty young starters with one arm? That's like saying the Mets would be lucky to have Hughes. No shit.

Sports fans can boo anybody they want to in sports, booing is one of the last rights they have left.

And they sure do buy the right when they buy the ticket.

But...

I just don't think that right should include David Wright.

Um...The guy went through almost the entire month of April without hitting ONE homer, was batting like shit and driving in no runs. I should know, he was bogging my damn fantasy team down at 3B. Besides, what has Wright done in his young career to garner that kind of special treatment? He hasn't won a championship, no real awards of any sort, he's not even the best player on his team. It's not like we're talking about Albert Pujols or Derek Jeter here.

Okay, all the Jets fans who wanted their team to draft Brady Quinn raise a hand.

I'm sure hardcore Jets fans were happy with getting a great cornerback after the weak 4 man rotation they had at right corner last year. I'm sure the casual fan was disappointed.

You know the deal with Harlan Coben: Even after you finish reading "The Woods," you expect one more plot twist after you leave the room.

And you are going to love "Up in Honey's Room" by the great Elmore Leonard for a lot of reasons.

You've got your escaped Nazis running around Detroit, you've got Carl Webster from "The Hot Kid" chasing them, you've got a bad guy who thinks he's Heimlich Himmler's separated-at-birth twin.

Mostly, though, you've got a blonde named Honey Deal, one of the coolest female leads Leonard has ever written.

It goes on sale Tuesday.

Why did I include this part? I could ask the same thing of Lupica. This is supposed to be a sports column. I'm sure 95% of his readers have no idea what the fuck he's talking about. I sure as hell don't.

Rudy Giuliani trying to channel Ronald Reagan the other night was funnier than the way he used to look when he'd dress up in drag.

Yeah, when he supported abortion rights I instantly thought "Reagan".

The President keeps talking about how he's not going to let a bunch of Washington guys micro-manage his war in Iraq when that's exactly what he let a dim-bulb like Donald Rumsfeld do for years.

Um, when the fuck did this turn into a political column? AND WHY DO WE CARE WHAT A SPORTS FUCKING COLUMNIST THINKS ABOUT POLITICS?

Now that Chris Mullin's Warriors have knocked off the Dallas Mavericks, do you suppose Mullin fancies himself as being a basketball genius the way Isiah Thomas does?

Yeah, it's not like he assembled that team or anything... And now we're back on sports? Make up your midget mind, Lupica!

And imagine how good about himself Isiah's going to feel when his team beats anybody in a playoff series?

This is a moot point, seeing as how a team headed by Isiah Thomas will never win a playoff series.

Massacre?

The Red Sox swept the Yankees for the first time in who cares. Boston fans collectively had to change their drawers due to an over-abundance of ecstasy in their pants. Meanwhile, New Yorkers hold a summoning ceremony and sacrifice a goat to resurrect the 80 year old corpse of Roger Clemens. Yeah, because I'm sure a 45 year old power pitcher switching from the National League to the American League is gonna be the answer. Oh God, I'm actually about to do research again. His average ERA with the Yanks was slightly over 4. While this isn't bad, it's not exactly savior numbers. And unless Roger Clemens has wine for blood, I don't think old age will make him better than those numbers. You do have to take into account his amazing ERAs in the NL...but remember Randy Johnson had similar numbers before making his mediocre leap to the Bronx. The best bet for Yankees fans? Pray Mike Mussina and Chien Ming Wang return from their injuries, tell Carl Pavano to stop being such a big pussy, wish for Kei Igawa to at least eat innings, whack Torre before the bullpen drops dead by June, and hope that they don't rush the development of Phil Hughes. If they do all 80 of those things...REJOICE, NEW YORKERS!

Around the league:

Alfonso Soriano - 0 homers, 1 ribbie, 6 runs, and a stolen base. Money well spent. Okay, jokes aside, he'll pick up the pace eventually, but that was WAY too much money spent on a guy sporting a career .325 on-base percentage. The sad thing is, Barry Zito will probably still end up winning the award for "Worst Big Contract" of the year.

Barry Bonds - It's happening, just accept the fact and also accept that someone will break his record. But every time a successor is named Ken Griffey Jr. breaks or sprains another limb.

David Wright - 1 ribbie in his last 10 games, 4 for the year, and ZERO homers. WTF is that all about? Glad I drafted you in fantasy baseball....dick.

Gil Meche - Who would've thought he'd shut his critics up (at least for now)? 2.22 ERA , a 1.20 WHIP, and averaging over 7 innings a game. Lets see this last...

Blue Jays - healthy BJ Ryan = Fucked. Their starting rotation wasn't that strong to begin with.

Oopsie!

So yeah, my internet was down for a week or whatever. The problem was I put faith in my provider to use half a brain cell...clearly my fault for being naive. On with the scheduled programming.

Mt. Lou finally erupts

Apparently he just realized what most Cubs fans have known for a long time: losing sucks.

Changing things up...

Getting off baseball for a second, who has the worse basketball front office: The Celtics or the Knicks?

Honestly, it's like comparing horse and donkey shit. Storied franchises my ass...

Colin Cowherd = Fucktard

Cowherd

This is an article in the LA Times about Colin "Douchebag" Cowherd dated Nov. 24th, 2006. Why bring it up now? Because this blog wasn't around back then and I can't stand "The Herd". I found one excerpt interesting:

"So I've always had sort of a West Coast lean," he said. "When I came to ESPN, I thought, 'Wouldn't it be great for the people on the West Coast if I was a part of you?' I always thought of ESPN as an East Coast company. During my job interview, I said, 'Don't take this personally, I'm a West Coast guy. I don't know if it is against the rules, but I'm going to bring up USC football.' "

Yeah, because ESPN doesn't ever talk about USC. Did he even watch any SportsCenter or listen to ESPN radio before the fucking interview?

True Yankee?

A-Rod finally hears cheers after hitting a walk off grand slam to beat the Orioles. New Yorkers finally embrace and support the embattled superstar...until the next time he goes 0-4 and they throw beer bottles at him.

Ken Rosenthal: Super Genius!

Foxsports.com writer Ken Rosenthal makes his "award winner" predictions for 2007. My responses are in bold font.

NATIONAL LEAGUE

MVP: Albert Pujols, Cardinals. This time, there will be no debate.

This is one of those safe picks, but it's a smart one. It's okay to be smart.

Cy Young: Chris Carpenter, Cardinals. I pick him every year.

This one is alright, although you have some good young arms in Brandon Webb, Jake Peavy, Roy Oswalt, and Ben Sheets (if he can stay healthy for a full season).

Rookie: Troy Tulowitzki, Rockies. The game's next outstanding shortstop.

We'll see, but he is highly touted. All of these picks are pretty sane. There really is no reason to commen....OH WAIT! HERE WE GO!

Manager: Grady Little, Dodgers. 92-win average in three seasons with Red Sox and Dodgers.

Now is he stating Little is a manager or that he'll be manager of the year 2007? Either point is debatable. This guy is universally known as making the managerial blunder that cost the Red Sox the 2003 ALCS (he left Pedro in past 100 innings). This move unfairly overshadows his other bonehead mistakes. Hell, he bats Juan Pierre leadoff. Pierre's OBP for the last two seasons? .326 and .330. That sucks, especially for a leadoff hitter.

Batting champ: Chase Utley, Phillies.

Not sure if I agree wholeheartedly, but if he can get to his OPS from last year (which was an amazing .906), then who cares what his batting average is?

Comeback player: Josh Hamilton, Reds.

Bounceback player: Tim Hudson, Braves.

What the fuck is the difference between comeback and bounceback? Aren't they the same?

Breakout player: Stephen Drew, Diamondbacks.

Um, shouldn't this fall under Rookie of the Year?

Manager most in trouble: Clint Hurdle, Rockies.

After this article was published, Hurdle got a 2 year contract extension from the Rockies. D'OH!

Biggest name traded at deadline: Ken Griffey Jr., Reds.

I see Adam Dunn and his $13 million option getting traded before Griffey's gimp body does.

AMERICAN LEAGUE

MVP: Alex Rodriguez, Yankees. In unreal physical condition.

Awww Ken, you've been watching A-Rod sunbathe in Central Park again, haven't ya?

Cy Young: Johan Santana, Twins. Duh.

Glad to see you speak retard as well.

Rookie: Alex Gordon, Royals. Dice-K and Delmon Young worthy challengers.

Gordon's a good pick. As for Dice-K, I don't see a professional Japanese player winning it unless he's truly dominant. Unless the voters learned their lesson after not giving it to Hideki Matsui (Angel Berroa won it over him in 2003, and now he's not even on the Royal's major league roster...yikes!)

Manager: Mike Scioscia, Angels. Deserving every season.

I'll give you this one, although he is slightly overrated. But most managers are.

Comeback player: Darin Erstad, White Sox.

Shouldn't he have been there recently to have any chance of coming back? His last GOOD season was in 2000! He has 25 homers, 100 ribbies, and a .950 OPS. We'll use the line from his last full healthy season (2005) to compare: 7/66/.696. That sucks. Bad. In fact, every season after 2000 are a lot of the same suckage.

Bounceback player: Mark Buehrle, White Sox.

Or in Buehrle's case recently, it's the ball bouncing back towards him after giving up yet another hit. Once again, what's the difference between come and bounce back? Does it have to do with being bouncy?

Breakout player: Felix Hernandez, Mariners.

I keep hearing this from people. Didn't he break out in 2005, hence the nickname "King Felix"?

Batting champ: Robinson Cano, Yankees.

Seems like a good bet, although you still have Joe Maur, Derek Jeter, and Michael Young to contend with.

Manager most in trouble: Mike Hargrove, Mariners.

This guy has done everything to deserve a firing years ago, and yet hasn't been given the pink slip. Short of doing the owner's wife and/or mistress, I don't see him getting fired unless said owner finally wakes up.

Biggest name traded at deadline: Mike Sweeney, Royals.

So...you don't see any big names going in the AL at the trade deadline, is what you're saying?

Help Wanted:

The Yankees starting pitchers have yet to go beyond 4 innings. First week...she's a cruel bitch. Steve Phillips is probably already prepared to say the Yankees need to panic on Baseball Tonight. Why not? Bill Simmons is already saying the Yankees need to be afraid of the Red Sox after Daisuke Matsuzaka struck out 10 Royals. That's right, we're already crowning him as a "scary muthafuka" (my words, not his) after he dominated a team *I* could probably strike out at least 5 times. On top of that, the Cardinals have yet to win, the Mets are unbeaten, cats and dogs are living together...MASS HYSTERIA!

Barry, you ol' rascal you...

So the other night I'm talking fantasy baseball with one of my friends (not my fantasies about baseball...er...scratch this) when the subject of "speed" comes up. I jokingly mention that my team lacks speed (stolen bases) so badly that Barry Bonds and his five bum knees is my bag stealing threat. I told my friend that the only speed Barroid has are the performance enhancing kind (get it?!? no? fuck you). So what does that surly sonuvabitch go ahead and do? Swipes a bag for me in his first game! Okay, maybe he did it more for his godfather Willie Mays than for me, but I'm pretty sure he winked at the camera as a gesture towards me. Kudos to you, mister Bonds. You can go ahead and fill your whole damn bathtub with flaxseed oil for all I care. Here's towards your first (and possibly only) stolen base of the year!


I'm pretty sure I just set a world record for the most references to "speed", "stolen", and "swipe" in that paragraph alone. Oh, and I had two gay innuendos in there. Fuck I'm good.

First post...make it a doozy

I'll be honest, this probably won't be a doozy (whatever the fuck a "doozy" is). In short, I'm somewhat sick of typing/speaking about sports with friends only to have them say "Hey, you should be a sports journalist or something" before they pass out in a drunken stupor. Lets make this clear: I do NOT want to take on sports journalism as a career. I've seen what it has done to many men before me and I refuse to become an unmoving/ignorant shell of what was once a semi-intelligent human being (ex. Mike Lupica). Not to say this is the truth for all sports journalists (ex: Jason Whitlock). Add to the fact I often get lazy with writing after a while and it makes for unemployment after two and a half articles. I'd rather not get into my favorite team or much personal info in this blog, since I'm a fan of baseball I do my best to be as objective as possible. Despite my best intentions it's probably an inevitability.

Since this is the first post, I will try to make it somewhat juicy (mmmm....juice): the Detroit Tigers WILL NOT make it back to the World Series. I'm not a big fan of guarantees (especially since they're "guaranteed" to bite you on the ass), but I say this with the confidence of a man who hasn't been laid in a really long time. If you look at the Tigers in the 2006 playoffs and the White Sox in 2005's, you'll notice a similar trend: otherworldly pitching. In 2005 the Chicago staff was putting up 8-9 innings in that postseason and pitching out of their damn minds. It was downright disgusting. The only problem with 2006 was that the Detroit staff peaked early in the postseason and somewhat fizzled by the time the WS rolled around (meanwhile they had Jeff Weaver shutting them down offensively...JEFF FUCKING WEAVER). Hey, it happens. Most of these guys were pitching way more innings than they were normally accustomed to (Justin Verlander threw 77 2/3 more innings than his minor league high, Jeremy Bonderman went beyond his career high by 45, and Nate Robertson threw about 28 1/3 more). Improvement has been made to the team with the addition of Gary Sheffield and his great offensive talents. Unfortunately, they'll learn just as the Yankees did that a high scoring offense does not win the World Series: great pitching does. Watch theirs come back down to earth and become merely good, not great.