Okay, REAL analysis of the trade: now with less swearing!

So...the Twins get offered Jacoby Ellsbury, Jon Lester, and Phil Hughes in separate packages, and end up with Phil Humber? Honestly, Hughes was probably the best prospect they could ask for, and decided to take a risk and see if a better offer would come around. Now, to their credit, these were the #2, 3, 4, and 7 prospects in the Mets farm system (according to Baseball America). That's slightly misleading since the Mets traded a lot of prospects a few years ago when acquiring Delgado, Lo Duca, and others. I think among those traded were Mike Jacobs and Dan Uggla. I'd do the research, but I'm tired and lazy. Just this once; next time I'll be awake and motivated. Promise. None of the prospects given up by the Mets appear as can't miss as the guys the Yankees and Sox were offering, so you have to figure the Twins were going for two things:

1) Get Santana out of the AL. Unless they were gonna be blown away by an AL offer, this seemed to be the plan from the get go.

2) If we can't get equal value, at least get quantity. Four prospects isn't a bad haul and since the AL teams were offering the same quantity, the NL wins by default.

As for Santana, while his limp to the finish line last season is slightly alarming, it's assuring to know that in his "off year" you're still getting an above average ERA, 200+ innings/strikeouts and a guy who's on the good side of 30 years old. Add to the fact he'll be facing the weaker lineups of the NL and it's safe to say this is a deal the Mets had to make. None of the guys they gave up were going to help them like Santana will. The Yankees decided they were going with their youth movement (a wise decision, in my opinion) and the Red Sox were happy with what they have. However, while everyone else calls Josh Beckett an unquestioned ace after his unstoppable playoff run, I'd like to see him actually string two dominant seasons in a row before knighting him Sir Soul Patch of Douchetown. So, quick recap: Great deal for Mets, probably not such a good one for the Twins, and good decisions by the Yanks/Sox.

Throw in a used box of condoms and we'll call it a deal!

So, you've heard the news? Before you say shit, listen up you jackanapes: DON'T QUESTION THE MINNESOTA TWINS! We turn water into wine, bud light to Guinness, and A.J. Pierzynski into Francisco Liriano/Joe Nathan. So shut your goddamn mouth! If I wanna trade Johan Santana for three pennies, a bag of corn nuts (ranch flavor, of course), a canary, and the complete series of Hannah Montana, than that's what I'm gonna do! SHUT UP! SHUT YOUR JEW YAPS UP, YOU MEALY MOUTHED REPORTERS!

Alright, Bill...lets compose ourselves. Remember your limit of one racial/ethnic slur per press conference. The truth is, ladies and faggots of the news media, we kinda boned things up a little bit. The Yankees offered us a good package with a possible future ace, and we got kinda drunk during the winter meetings. So we decided to ask for their whole farm. Yeah, you read that right: their whole AAA, AA, Single A, etc. Tequila makes you do some crazy shit. Message to Billy Beane: use lube next time, you harsh fuck. As for the Red Sox, they offered a cancer patient and an injun. In separate packages. I wouldn't take that in the same package, especially from a general manager who happens to be a ki...

*microphone cuts off as security shoves reporters out of the room*

I think we know the answer....

About a year ago I posed this question:

"Getting off baseball for a second, who has the worse basketball front office: The Celtics or the Knicks?"

Oh how much difference a year makes for one team. And yet the other team is exactly the same, if not worse off than last year. Good thing I'm not a Knicks fan.



Wha, huh? I am? FUCK!

Win some lose some

The day people stop citing a pitcher's win-loss record as a valuable way to evaluate the player is the day I see Godzilla. I'm hoping my currently living in Japan helps to increase the odds of seeing both, but it's doubtful.

Need work!

Kyle Lohse stood in the unemployment line munching on his last Ritz cracker. An old woman stood in front of him and was about to finally get to the front of the line. He tried throwing baseballs at her legs earlier in order to cut her in line, but he can't seem to accurately hit her legs from 3 feet. After trying for her head and torso, Lohse gave up and kicked her in the knees. What transpired next is truly horrible...

Kyle: Take that, ya old hag! Losers never prosper! Unless you're brought up in a winners farm system or traded to a playoff bound team!

Receptionist: Sir, that was my mother bringing me lunch. And please calm down the overuse of exclamation points. What can I do for you?

Kyle: Yeah, I need work! Preferably in the National League! There's no DH and mediocrity is more than acceptable there! Shiiiiiit, if Carlos Silva can get a ridiculous contract why can't the Lohse hose!?!

Receptionist: Wow, even your questions are riddled with exclamation points. Besides sir, you're too late. Every year we help unemployed mediocrity get hired in major league baseball. Unfortunately, we have a quota that's already been filled. If you had come by sooner...

Kyle: Fuck you! I postpone my vacation to Legoland for NO ONE!!!

Receptionist: Oh God, three of them... Regardless, this year we've already helped out clients Lieber, Silva, and Rowand, to name just a few. I'd appreciate it if you and your friends would either try other routes or search other avenues of employment.

Kyle: Friends!?!


Suddenly, the door busted wide open.



Kenny Lofton: K-LOFT IS IN THE HIZZYYYYYYYYY!!!

Kyle: You have trouble getting signed too, K-Loft!?!

K-Loft: Yeah, can you believe that shit? How am I not signed yet? There's still at least three teams out there I haven't played for yet! I'm a corner outfielder who can't hit a home run in a little league park, sure! However, I can still swipe bases! SPEEDSTERS NEED MONEY TOO!!!

Receptionist: Uh oh, if you two are here, that means *he* isn't far behind!

K-Loft and Kyle: He who!?!

A rumble was then heard, followed by the wall crumbling down.



The Incredible Bonds: BONDS SMASH!!!!

Receptionist: *Sigh* Not a single period in sight...

I need crack...

And by crack I mean baseball. A little over 2 weeks until pitchers and catchers report. I'm as good as dead.


Holy crap, this blog still exists? Who's reading this?