Dr. Z is alright in my book...

From his column on Sports Illustrated's website:

One word on Phil (Simms)'s behalf, though. I don't like to see him get cheap-shotted. First week of the season, he's doing Jets-Patriots, Chad Pennington goes down with a sprained ankle on a sack by Jarvis Green. Next day, N.Y. Daily News columnist Bob Raissman, who's always loudest when he's the most wrong, takes a rip at Simms for not mentioning that the departure of guard Pete Kendall caused an inferior guy to man his spot, thereby causing the Pennington injury. Except that Green beat a different guy, LT D'Brickashaw Ferguson, not the guard. But why be right when you can be loud?

Wow...

Somewhere, Bill Simmons is crying in his Natty Ice. I've never cheered so hard for a team to lose in my life. Pretty much all you have going for you when you're a Jets fan...

Bob Raissman's Moustache is Out of Control!

Seriously, I hope that thing isn't real. It could terrorize NYC worse than that Cloverfield monster thing. Anyway, for those of you who may not know, Bob Raissman pretty much hates sports teams. At least, all of the ones he talks about (especially the Yankees). If you give a soft interview to Tom Brady, watch out! You should be grilling pretty boy about all of the shady shit he does, like baby shaking and heroin dealing. Honestly, other than asking about his bastard child, there are no hardball questions you can throw his way. "Hey, how come you didn't complete 100% of your passes last week? What's wrong with you, pussy?" I'm not even a Patriots fan (in fact I pray they lose) and I have no objection with giving Brady his 80th weakling interview of the day. But really, that doesn't bother me that much.

That's not what bothers me, so much as the holy war he has against the Yankees and their YES network. He takes extreme offense that the YANKEES ENTERTAINMENT AND SPORTS network won't offer hard hitting criticism against their own team, pretty much calling it a propaganda network. Um...no shit, sherlock. When was the last time you saw ANY network take a shot at their team. Do you see NESN taking a dump on the Dice-K deal and how he didn't live up to the lofty expectations of his first season? Or how about SNY denouncing the Mets after their historic collapse last season? No, because THAT'S BAD BUSINESS, DICK! Why would you talk bad about your own product? Here, I'll dissect some of his recent garbage:

After watching YES' "Hot Stove" feature on Phil Hughes, it appears, according to YES, certain allegations made about Roger Clemens don't really exist. They are imaginary - just like the Tooth Fairy.

Much of the Hughes piece shows the pitcher going through his daily offseason workout regimen (lifting weights, etc.) at the Yankees' Tampa facility.

At one point in the story, Hughes says: "God-given ability can only get you so far, then it's up to you to maximize that. Even if I can just take a little bit of what Roger did for us last year, (to) see the way he works out ... see the way he goes about his business, it kind of gives you an idea of what you need to do to stay in this game as long as he did."

Okay, everyone knows the Roger Clemens business. Former trainer Brian NcNamee said he did it, Clemens said he didn't and is fighting the case head on. I kinda think he did the 'roids, but without proof or a more detailed description of his regime I give him some benefit of the doubt. Plus, Clemens did have a brutal work out routine, that's true. He just might have had a little "boost" during those sessions. There's nothing wrong with Phil Hughes looking at Clemens working out and taking something from it. As long as it doesn't mean him taking steroids.

It seems the "idea" of what Clemens needed to do "to stay in this game as long as he did" is contained in Mitchell's report. Or, at least, allegations of what Clemens did. In the report, Clemens' former trainer, Brian McNamee, alleges that the seven-time Cy Young Award winner had been juicing since 1998.

If the Hughes feature was shot before the Mitchell Report came out, it would have been a good idea for YES - perhaps through "Hot Stove" host Bob Lorenz - to mention that fact. And if the Hughes interview was shot after the report was released, well, YES made the young pitcher look like a fool.

I like how Raissman treats the words "allegations" and "alleged" like they're these annoying little legal details he has to abide by. What they really mean are nothing has been proven by a court of law nor has their been an admission of guilt by the accused party, so it really is speculation without hard evidence. And no, the same can't be said of Barry Bonds because he admitted under oath to using steroids (although he claimed to not knowing what it was). Whether or not Bonds used more than he admitted to is alleged.

Someone should have edited the Clemens line out of the story. Unless, of course, it was left in on purpose to further discredit Mitchell's report.

Also, 9/11 was an inside job, we really didn't land on the moon, and the 1985 NBA Draft was rigged so the Knicks could get Patrick Ewing with the first pick.


After all, when David Justice, a YES analyst, was named in Mitchell's report - Justice denied allegations he paid Kirk Radomski, the Mets' former clubhouse attendant, for "two or three kits" of human growth hormone - Ray Hopkins, YES' chief operating officer, said he had no reason to doubt Justice's claim that he had not taken performance-enhancing drugs.

Well, Justice gave a pretty convincing rebuttal, and since there is no proof he took HGH, we have to give him the benefit of the doubt. And God forbid an employer sticks behind his employee. Whatta dick.

Curiously, a few weeks after Hopkins' vote of confidence, Justice was out as YES' studio analyst. His departure was accompanied by some typically lame Al Yankzeera spin about Justice having to supervise the "rebuilding" of his house.

His house burned down in the California fires. You're saying if it was you, Bob Raissman, you would have said to your wife and kids "Hey, good luck cleaning this shit up. I'm off to the other side of the country to call baseball games!" Honestly, it's called being a responsible father and husband. Sorry if he doesn't have a sweet mustache like you. Besides, he's still contributing to the company's website.

Now that's creative.

Almost as creative as Hughes' take on Clemens' longevity.

Not nearly as creative as some of the nicknames you give out in this article:

Al Yankzeera - I wish this nickname meant they plan on beheading Michael Kay
Suzyn (Georgie Girl) Waldman - Okay...
Fred (Skill Sets) Wilpon - Wtf does this mean?
Adam (Nabob of Nugget) Schein - Ditto
Mike (Sports Pope) Francesa - Does he wear a big hat?
Chris (Mad Dog) Russo - No, wait, that's his actual nickname

That's just from his recent column. Off the top of my head, I know he calls Hank Steinbrenner Hankenstein for some reason. He kinda looks like the monster, I guess. It's all unfair, because no one ever gives Bob a taste of his own medicine. Until now. I give you: Bob (Iron Sheik) Raissman!

C.C. Sabathia comments on the recent Johan Santana deal

"Cha-Ching!"

Unseen David Eckstein tv show

Wish it lasted long enough for the Darin Erstad crossover

Okay, REAL analysis of the trade: now with less swearing!

So...the Twins get offered Jacoby Ellsbury, Jon Lester, and Phil Hughes in separate packages, and end up with Phil Humber? Honestly, Hughes was probably the best prospect they could ask for, and decided to take a risk and see if a better offer would come around. Now, to their credit, these were the #2, 3, 4, and 7 prospects in the Mets farm system (according to Baseball America). That's slightly misleading since the Mets traded a lot of prospects a few years ago when acquiring Delgado, Lo Duca, and others. I think among those traded were Mike Jacobs and Dan Uggla. I'd do the research, but I'm tired and lazy. Just this once; next time I'll be awake and motivated. Promise. None of the prospects given up by the Mets appear as can't miss as the guys the Yankees and Sox were offering, so you have to figure the Twins were going for two things:

1) Get Santana out of the AL. Unless they were gonna be blown away by an AL offer, this seemed to be the plan from the get go.

2) If we can't get equal value, at least get quantity. Four prospects isn't a bad haul and since the AL teams were offering the same quantity, the NL wins by default.

As for Santana, while his limp to the finish line last season is slightly alarming, it's assuring to know that in his "off year" you're still getting an above average ERA, 200+ innings/strikeouts and a guy who's on the good side of 30 years old. Add to the fact he'll be facing the weaker lineups of the NL and it's safe to say this is a deal the Mets had to make. None of the guys they gave up were going to help them like Santana will. The Yankees decided they were going with their youth movement (a wise decision, in my opinion) and the Red Sox were happy with what they have. However, while everyone else calls Josh Beckett an unquestioned ace after his unstoppable playoff run, I'd like to see him actually string two dominant seasons in a row before knighting him Sir Soul Patch of Douchetown. So, quick recap: Great deal for Mets, probably not such a good one for the Twins, and good decisions by the Yanks/Sox.

Throw in a used box of condoms and we'll call it a deal!

So, you've heard the news? Before you say shit, listen up you jackanapes: DON'T QUESTION THE MINNESOTA TWINS! We turn water into wine, bud light to Guinness, and A.J. Pierzynski into Francisco Liriano/Joe Nathan. So shut your goddamn mouth! If I wanna trade Johan Santana for three pennies, a bag of corn nuts (ranch flavor, of course), a canary, and the complete series of Hannah Montana, than that's what I'm gonna do! SHUT UP! SHUT YOUR JEW YAPS UP, YOU MEALY MOUTHED REPORTERS!

Alright, Bill...lets compose ourselves. Remember your limit of one racial/ethnic slur per press conference. The truth is, ladies and faggots of the news media, we kinda boned things up a little bit. The Yankees offered us a good package with a possible future ace, and we got kinda drunk during the winter meetings. So we decided to ask for their whole farm. Yeah, you read that right: their whole AAA, AA, Single A, etc. Tequila makes you do some crazy shit. Message to Billy Beane: use lube next time, you harsh fuck. As for the Red Sox, they offered a cancer patient and an injun. In separate packages. I wouldn't take that in the same package, especially from a general manager who happens to be a ki...

*microphone cuts off as security shoves reporters out of the room*